Clare Maxfield

Where Image Matters

An Introvert’s Guide to Asking Probing Questions

5 steps to probe with integrityThere are 5 simple steps to draw out more information from the person you are having a conversation with. It might be that you are the introvert and need a hand, or that the person you are speaking with is an introvert and if that is the case, it can be a challenge to have them open up.

The Simple, How When Where why and Who questions are starting to run dry and you want more details.

Follow this process for probing and you will discover all that you need.

Probing Questions

Probing Questions

Probing questions can also help you to investigate in more detail.

Many people are better at presenting their own point of view than they are at drawing out information from others. Your role as a good communicator is to draw out information from the individual that will help you understand the issue. A good name for this skill of gathering information from others is probing.

When you probe, you:

  • Get others involved and participating. Since probes are designed to produce a response, it’s unlikely the other person will remain passive.
  • Get important information on the table. People may not volunteer information, or the information they present may not be clear. Your probes help people open up and present or clarify their information.
  • Force yourself to listen. Since probes are most effective in a sequence, you have to listen to a person’s response.
  • Help improve communication on both sides of the table.

Probing Methods

There are five ways to probe, each are described below.

1. Ask an open question

One of the most common ways of probing is to ask an open question, such as:

  • “Can you describe that more clearly?”
  • “Would you give me a specific example of what you mean?”
  • “What do you think we should do?”

The difficulty here is that if you ask too many of these probing questions, the other person begins to feel like they are being interrogated. Be thoughtful about what and how you ask. Consider how many probes you really need to offer.

2. Pause

A second, very effective way of probing is a pause. Stop talking. Let the other person fill the silence.

3. Ask a reflective or mirroring question

A third way is to ask a reflective or mirroring question. For example, let’s say the person has just said, “What I really want is more variety in my work.” You may respond by just reflecting back to them, “Variety?” The reflective question usually provides you with an expanded answer without you needing to ask more questions. Of course, it is best used in conjunction with a pause.

Reflective questions or statements focus on clarifying and summarising without interrupting the flow of the conversation. They indicate your intent to understand the sender’s thoughts and feelings.

4. Paraphrase

A fourth method that is particularly useful to make certain you understand what has just been said is paraphrasing in your own words.  An example: “So if I understand you correctly, you…”

You can use this response to show that you want to increase the accuracy of your understanding of what has just been said. You may also want to use it to ensure the sender hears what he has just said. Finally, paraphrasing reassures the sender that you are trying to understand what they are saying.

5. Ask a summary question

The fifth method, most often used as a conversation is winding down, is the summary question. Example: “You have tried ignoring the scent of your colleague’s cologne, you have talked with him about how it affects your allergies, and you have tried shutting your door to keep the scent from your workspace. None of these has worked and now you are asking me to intervene. Have I got it right?”

Now you should find all communication clear, easy and fulfilling. Do let me know if this or any of my other communication posts have helped you at all.

Gift Giving by Personality

Want to know what to buy someone – Get to know their personality and buy the gift that fits.

Hi, it’s Clare Maxfield and I thought I’d share with you some tips on “Gift Giving By Personality” because at this time, we are often looking for gifts for people.

Either people we know really well or other people we don’t or we barely know at all. So if you have an insight into their personality, which, kind of by the way, you can tell by the way they dress, you can have an idea often of the kind of gifts that suit them.

Now, I have been doing a lot of talking with different groups on the etiquette of gift giving and a lot of etiquette people out there will say “never buy gift certificate”. (i really meant to say a gift Card here).

Well, I am going to flip that on its head because sometimes the gift certificates (gift cards) is the best gifts you can give someone and especially if you are talking about a man. They love the gift certificate (card) because they say they never get to go shopping for themselves.

So if you are talking about buying a gift for a man, unless you’re talking about the romantic, generally a gift certificate (card) is ideal.

But, I thought I would go through very quickly what the 7 Personalities will like.

1st: Classic – Now, you’ll know the classic person, this is the guy or girl at work who continually wears very traditional style clothing. They are very traditional – the way they are thinking and they do like traditional gifts.

So the classics are going to like traditional things like chocolates, wine (male or female). Now, if they are women, a hand cream. Probably like L’Occitane. (make sure it is a) good brand.

And for books, they might like something like a cooking book, a garden book or a novel.  So that is something for your Classic.

2nd: Creative – Now your creative person. This is the person that is a little bit wild, a little bit wacky and just a little bit different to everyone at work.  So, they are going to love creative style gifts.

They are going to love something that is hand-made, something that is maybe quite artisan. These are people you can go to the markets often and shop for because they will like these really different pieces.

If you are thinking about a book for them, you might want to get… so there’s something that’s a cooking book but it’s going to be a cooking book with a difference. So, you know, small dinner party, cocktail party bites and really interesting ways of cooking.

They do like craft things because they are often quite crafty and they like modern novels.  And if it is a woman, a hand cream that is a little bit different – a little bit quirky.

3rd: Dramatic – Now, our next personality is the Dramatic. You are going to know that person when they walk in the office or when they are in your life because they love to stand out from the crowd. They like to be noticed.

So, when buying gifts for them – wines or champagnes, they will love you!

If it’s a woman, a hand cream,  are you noticing a theme here? You know there are a lot of women who love hand creams. So they are going to like something like a Mecca, or something like a really cutting edge brand. If you are looking for accessories for them, they would like something that is big and bold. Earrings, it can be something small or big. Now, I do something dramatic jewellery pieces but I do them in my coloring but that’s my side.

For books for them, they might like cooking books but you know what, go google in your area who are the top chef’s and the top restaurants and see what cookbooks they have because they would love that. They love fashion, they love celebrity. So that is how you go shopping for your Dramatic.

4th: Romantic – Now, Romantic. And for romantic female species, they are quite feminine. They are very old school.

Romantic male, he is quite old school again. They love soft clothing, their hair is a little bit longer and a little bit softer. For the woman, she loves a hand cream, she loves champagne. Something that is a little bit more feminine.

For the male, he would like a good wine. He would also like a good cook book and the female would like something like Nigella Lawson’s “How to be Domestic Goddess”. They will love that.

Romance novels, anything that’s got a little bit of sentimentality to it is just going to rock the romantic worlds.

6th: Natural – And our next personality is the Natural. Now, you are going to know this person. This is your no fuss person in the office.

The woman – rarely wears heels, often in pants. The guy, he just hates wearing a suit.

So, gifts for them, the Natural male will love the gift card to the hardware store or the auto store or the nursery. Anything that they can use their hands for, they will love it.

For the woman, again, wines work with these people. They do love their wines. If you are buying a woman a hand cream, she’s going to love something that has shea butter in it and natural packaging.

They don’t mind a good old donation for a cause, they are often cause driven.

And for their books, if you are going to buy cookbooks, it’s going to be about clean eating, clean living type of book, healthy lifestyle and anything that is DIY is really going to work for your natural.

7th: Rebellious – And last but not the least, we have the Rebellious personality out there. So what do you get them?

This is a person that’s either got loads of tattoos or only one sneaky one.  So, for them, they might like a spirit over a wine but again, check with them.  It might be good full bodied wine – Martini mix kits and they might go “Oh! That’s a little bit sissy!” Hand creams! Now, the Tokyo Milk Company hand cream for the women, they are going to love it.

For their accessories, have a look at what they might be doing, it might be something that is a little bit subversive in nature or maybe it has a rose or skull or something on it. Not overt but subversive.

And if you want to get them a book, anything that is of Art Deco in design, fashion or lifestyle is generally is something they will go like “this is really cool!”

But then you might be sitting there and wondering “how do I know what my personality is just like someone else’s? Well, you know what? I’ve got some quizzes on my website.

The links are just here to the guys and the girls and find out what your personality is, find out what your friend’s personality is and go and have some fun because the best thing about buying a gift for someone is buying a gift that they want and letting them know that you’ve thought about it. So have some fun!

Personality Quiz for Women

Personality Quiz for Men

You’ve got some fun times coming up and I hope you’ve enjoyed my little Gift Giving by Personality video. Bye for now.

Who and How to propose a toast during a meal and the wines to use.

toast eyeHow to Propose a Toast

1. To begin

Stand where you can be seen.

Make sure that everyone has a full glass of something – alcoholic or not.

Hold your own glass in front of you – angle your arm up from the elbow not above your shoulder though..

Introduce yourself briefly, if you aren’t already known by everyone present. Say something about why you’ve gathered. Are you celebrating a successful project or period of time? A recent win? A newly formed partnership? The achievement of a big goal? Or are you honoring a particular person for what he or she has done? Say so.

Keep these introductory remarks brief — no longer than a minute to a minute and a half.

2. The Hope or Desire

Raise your glass to eye level.

State a hope or a wish for the future of the person being honored or for the parties gathered at the event. Use the subjective form, “May…”

Make it no more than two or three sentences. Keep your remarks in the spirit of the event, appropriate to the mood of the gathering. Don’t be light and breezy at a formal gathering or stiff and serious at a casual event.

3. The Toast

Raise your glass overhead.

Look the person in the eye.

In three or four words name the person, persons, or occasion being honored, “To…” If you keep it short, people will repeat the toast.

Drink.

4. An Example

“X, As your friend/colleague, I’d like to propose a toast to you.

Achieving what you have in such a short time is a testament to your skill and your commitment to excellence.

So here’s my toast. May your success be ongoing. May your future be assured. And may the work you do continue to touch the lives of many. To X”

Tips to remember

Compliments to the host: If you are invited to dinner at someone’s house, always remember to compliment the host and the magnificent meal. If you are having trouble complimenting the host on their magnificent meal, you can always compliment them on their house or the presentation of the meal or even the time it has taken them to prepare it. Always remember that it is a special privilege to have been invited so thank them for the privilege.

Toast the host—don’t get toasted: The first toast is generally given by the host. Raise your glass and take a sip. In the event there are multiple toasts being given, remember you can toast with soft drink (soda) or water to save you the embarrassment of finding yourself completely inebriated by the end of the evening.

Never toast yourself: If you are the object of the toast, when everyone else is drinking from their glass as a toast to you, you do not take part in the drinking.

Know your stems:When you are drinking red wine you hold the bowl of the glass, yet when you are drinking white wine you hold it by the stem so as not to warm the wine.

It is not a crime to say no to wine: If you are attending a daytime function, or you don’t drink alcohol, or you don’t feel like any wine with the meal, when the waiter comes around to pour the wine don’t turn your glass upside down, just place your hand over the top of it to indicate that you do not want any.

Look them in the eye. No matter if you are proposing a toast in front of an auditorium or clinking a glass with one person, always look the person in the eye.

Basics aspects of wine

The Whites

Chardonnay is a very versatile wine grape: Big in the 1980’s and coming back. It’s flavour and aromas are easily influenced by where it’s grown and how it’s made. Fruit flavors range from apple and lime in cooler climates to tropical fruits in warmer places. When barreled in oak, it takes on a richness characterized by honey and strong butter flavors. When barreled in stainless steel, it often retains more mineral flavors and comes across as fresher on the palate.  Chardonnay is a favorite with seafood. Minerally versions, like those from Chablis, France, pair particularly well with oysters.

Riesling is a crisp, clean wine with green apple, pear and lime flavors. The best offer pleasing mineral qualities as well. With age, Riesling takes on honey flavors and attractive oily aromas. Riesling pairs nicely with spicy foods, poultry and pork. Try it with Thai food.

Pinot Gris is made from grapes that generally produce different styles of wine depending on where the grapes are grown and how they’re handled in the cellar. Pinot Gris typically makes rich wines marked by a bit of spice. The Italian style (Pinot Grigio) tends to be fresh, crisp and refreshing. Sample either style with seafood and pasta dishes, vegetarian food and poultry.

Sauvignon Blanc is a fresh, crisp, aromatic wine with grapefruit and grassy flavours.  Sauvignon Blanc is a food-friendly wine that goes well with many seafood, poultry and vegetable dishes.

The Reds

Rose, the lightest red. Best served chilled. The primary flavours of rosé wine are red fruit, flowers, citrus, and melon, with a pleasant crunchy green flavour on the finish similar to celery or rhubarb. It is versatile enough to go with Meditterean foods, but also Asian-inspired dishes, Indian cuisine, tapas, BBQ and tex-mex work well too.

Pinot Noir, a delicate wine that tastes of red fruits like cherries, raspberries and strawberries. With age, flavours and aromas become more complex, developing earthy notes like mushrooms and decaying leaves. Pinot Noir is a versatile food wine, great with poultry, salmon, meat and vegetable dishes.

Merlot is a soft, supple wine with nice fruit flavours of plums and blackberries and occasionally mint, chocolate and eucalyptus flavours and aromas. Typically, it is ready to drink earlier than Cabernet Sauvignon, which sometimes needs a few years for its astringent tannins to mellow. Merlot is very nice with meat dishes like beef and lamb.

Cabernet Sauvignon is more assertive than Merlot, with more tannin and greater ageing potential. It can have flavours of blackberries, plums, black currants, and cassis. Aged in oak, Cabernet Sauvignon can take on flavours of vanilla, cedar, chocolate, and coffee.  Cabernet Sauvignon is very nice with meat dishes like beef and lamb.

Shiraz (Syrah) Australian versions are typically big, bold and spicy with jammy fruit and aromas of leather and black fruit. Shiraz is a very versatile wine that pairs well with a wide variety of foods. It’s terrific with grilled meats.

For other dining and etiquette tips you can download my Etiquette and personal branding workbooks for men and women. Do the Etiquette IQ quiz to see how you rate.

 

Mobile Manners

Mobile Manners

  1. Mobile Phone Commandments

    When answering the phone state the company’s name before your own many people miss the 1st few words that are said and people do like to know to whom they are speaking

  2. Speak clearly enough so that you are heard but not loud enough so that people down the street can hear you as well
  3. Private calls should be saved for during your breaks
  4. Ring tones should not disturb the people around you and should be in keeping with the brand of the company that you represent, especially if your phone rings during business hours,
  5. When you’re in meeting your attention should be on the people with whom you are meeting. It is quite okay your phone to be switched off or turn to silent and left in your handbag or pocket during the meeting.
  6. In the event that you are expecting a serious or important call that cannot be avoided inform the person with whom you are meeting so that they do not feel that they are being trivialised when you answer your phone
  7. If you insist on pacing when you’re on the phone please do so in an area we do not disturb anyone else.

Keep it discreet.   

You may like loud music, science fiction movies or animal noises but no one else needs to be distracted by said noises coming from your phone.  Keep the ring tone discreet enough so it won’t take your colleagues mind from their job.

There is no need to yell

In a public place don’t speak so loud that everyone in the next room can hear your conversation.  If the line is faint go to where you can speak louder without disturbing everyone.

Keep it handy

If you are going to carry your phone with you in public places keep it in an accessible place to answer it.  So many women have them in the bottom of their handbag and never find it until it is too late to retrieve the call.

It is not a piece of cutlery

Therefore it should not sit on the table.  Unless again there is an extenuating circumstance and waiting for a date to call is not one, there is no need to leave your phone visible on a table.

How to handle the extenuating circumstance

If you have to leave the phone on always advise the people you are meeting with that there is a call you are waiting on and that you must take it.  Ensure when the call comes through that you walk away to take the call and then turn your phone off when you are finished.

Keep your focus on the meeting

Whilst you think you may be able to focus on the meeting and on messages on your phone, It is never done discreetly. This habit is rude and very unprofessional.  No matter what sort of position you have you should never treat any meeting or any person with such lack of professional courtesy.

Know when to turn it off

Leaving your phone on during a meeting is telling the person you are dealing with that there is something more important than them out there.  Show respect for the person you are meeting with by turning your phone off.

The silent advisor

There are occasions when you may be waiting for an important call and have to advise those in the group that you will be leaving your phone on.  In this instance, it would be wise to put your phone on silent and vibrate.  You can still take your call without disrupting the group.  Remember walk away to take you call or all your good work will be for nothing.

Selfies

Be mindful or when and where you are taking selfies, especially during work hours. If you are representing your company you want to do so respectfully.

Did you know

• The word ‘selfie’ was added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2013

Mobile Facts

  • The first commercial mobile phone in 1984 cost US$3,995 Roughly $9,000 today allowing for inflation
  • Twitter did not start the 140 character limit. It was Friedhelm Hillebrand from Germany who was working for GSM and decided that 160 letters was ideal for the early phones messaging capacity. Today we can have much more but Twitter took it up again allowing 140 for the message and 20 for the twitter username
  • What is the most expensive phone currently? It is an iPhone 4 made of rose gold with 53 diamonds and a single 7.4 carat pink diamond on the home button. It retails for a mere £5 million, which currently translates to $8,184,968.42 NB( I wrote this original article back in 2014. This is still the most expensive phone today!)
  • Look up – those new trees in your street may be mobile cell towers in disguise.
  • Finally, with new technology comes new problems and they have been diagnosed s
    • Telephonobia is the fear of making or receiving phone calls.
    • Nomophobia (no-mobile-phone phobia) is the fear of being out of contact either by your phone being lost, out of juice or out of signal range.
    • “Ringxiety” or “fauxcellarm” is described as a “psycho-acoustic phenomenon” when you hear (or feel) your mobile ringing when it’s not.
    • Frigensophobia is the fear that using your mobile is damaging your brain.

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